


Journal Journal how I hate thee...

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Kinks, Romance, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-09
Updated: 2012-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:40:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 27
Words: 23,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Dean's gotta vent and Sam suggested this, so he's going to experiment a bit. He gets serious, maudlin, smoopy, sexy...never know until he jots an entry in as to what's gonna happen. Please read and review!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

I can’t believe I’m doing this? I must be high or something. Sam’s giving me THAT look again, no not the “let’s fuck ourselves senseless” but more that “let me help…” 

 

The hardest thing for me is letting anyone in, I don’t like feeling vulnerable, and I feel like hell just writing this. Okay so the hunt sucked, but we ganked the wendigo with a few cuts and scrapes. What just pisses me off is that this wendigo was a child!

 

We burned a fucking kid man! Can you dig it yet!? I’m still trying. Even as I’m sitting here writing in this stupid journal, I just wonder if it will really help me. I mean, how is it supposed to help the futile feelings, the black halls of depression. 

 

The hunt was classical, in the woods, far away from general population but close enough to snare the unwary traveler and with the Appalachian Trail 50 yards from its lair, it was no wonder that people came up missing in their travels. But for this wendigo it was a case of hunting annually. We parked at the logical spot and intercepted the trail after several hours of hiking. I feel like shit! I’m good for mall walking, city walking, but put me in the woods and I’ll trip over my own two feet. We found the spot of the last disappearance and tracked the wendigo to its lair. It was a dank cave stinking of death and decay. The wendigo was hibernating so we caught it unaware and torched it. It was a kid, couldn’t have been more than 12 or 14 when it was turned. That just ain’t right man. It’s not supposed to be like that.

 

Sorry about the pregnant pause there but Sam interrupted me for a few minutes of cuddle time. I think sometimes I like that best of all. The sex is great but when I feel like this, well cuddles help. 

 

I’ll be back…


	2. Chapter 2

I still can’t believe this shit but here I am back again, ok I’m supposed to do this on a daily basis, but how the hell with our life do you even think about something like this on a daily basis? Ok it’s been four days, and we been on the road two of them, mainly trying to beat hell outta dodge on that freaking wendigo hunt, now we’re going to chase down a ogre. Yes dear diary you heard me right a real honest to God fucking ogre that is supposedly killing off animals around a five mile area but nobodies been able to sight it yet.

 

So smartass, you ask, how do you know it’s a fucking ogre? The markings are all over the write ups, intolerable smell, large humanoid footprints found, yeah you’re thinking sasquatch too? So was I until I saw a casting of a footprint someone let slip to the local media. The foot is large in that it is broad and slightly longer than a human, the toes as well number 4 on each foot. Finally each toe looks to be ended with a claw. So yeah that was a lot of help in determining it wasn’t a sasquatch. I can see it now, we’re going to probably have to go in as federals, God I hate suits, which means we’ll have to hit one of those same day service dry cleaners before we get there. Shit. Oh well, the upside is that we’re going in armed for bear, literally, a rifle that we got from places best left unsaid that pops a 7.62mm round. We also managed also from best left unsaid resources some bullets that are armor piercing. Had to pay dear for those. 

 

But honestly I don’t understand what the purpose of this is for other than for me to blow off steam. Oh wait a minute, my sasquatch begs my attention for a minute.

 

Holy fucking Jesus tits! I have never come that hard before. Sam had me so turned on he was four fingers deep and working on his thumb before he even decided to pop his cock. I swear he must’ve grown an extra inch each way just for this session. Oh man, this is gonna suck because now I’ve got a solid raw ass, admitted wouldn’t trade anything for it except the Impala, that’s totally off the market. But damn! He said he was hot but I was thinking he was just you know, the AC ain’t running so good kinda hot. Three times diary, it’s like 2 in the morning now, we started just after 7. I must’ve dozed off, but yeah I guess this has turned out kinda good cause let me tell you what he did to me, and he wouldn’t let me get my revenge, I’ll do that later, plus he laid on leather this time. Damn but I’ve missed that. I wish I could get him more into that. I really dig that kink. Oh I about forgot, damn gotta write this down before I forget it. Sasquatch had me on my back, holding my ass in the air, and just barely going in to start. That was driving me fucking nuts. I could feel his shaft brush my ass, but he’d only give me teasing pokes, until at last he said HE was ready, HE was going to take my ass, just wait, yeah he hammered me hard and I’ll remember it for a couple of days, but I’ll find a leather club and all bets are off. He wants to see what torment it I’ll give it to him. 

 

It was kinda funny though really, cause the first time he fucked me he was all in it pounding the ever loving hell out of me, then the second time, he was teasing, and the last time it was like he was savoring every movement. He took his time which also drives me nuts. Each time though during our mutual rests in between, he wanted to cuddle and snuggle teasing me with thinking, okay he’s about to drop off to sleep, he’ll never make for doubles, then I thought the same thing for triples, then prayed he’d drop off before quads. But damn I’ve got to teach him about fisting. Haven’t had that done since Sam was a Sophomore in college and I was in Baton Rouge. Now that little thing was a hot number as well and he had no problems fisting me, of course I had no problems being fisted with as much smoke as I had. I was very mellow but still came like a thunderclap. 

 

Oh yes dear diary there are some things about me that not even you’ll dig out of my past, but I’ll give you that one for freebies. Thank God I keep this thing tucked into the bottom of my duffle bag. Cause I gotta admit it, I love Sammy, not just love like brother to brother, but LOVE in huge capital letters. The only problem is that well…part of me wonders even with sex this stupendous, when is he going to run off again? That’s what hurts the most. Didn’t mean to write that but there it is, so deal with DD. I think the worst was Ruby, that bitch, I’d love to raise her from the dead just to gank her bitchy ass again for what he did. I love Sammy, I don’t want to lose him, and I’m afraid that one day, he’s going to do it again? What do I do diary, what the fuck do I do?


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary…how cheesy can you get? Damn, we got the ogre took care of, no problem that. Main problem came afterwards when we tried to have a civilized discussion, well I wanted the discussion, Sam wanted to fuck. Not that I’m opposed to fucking, it was just the wrong time. Wrong place, wrong time, wrong everything, But damn it also felt so right. I finally cornered him in the shower with him on his knees working me up to give me a blow job, normally I’m ready Freddy. This minuteman was cocked and aimed, but I really just wanted to TALK to him. I guess when he figured that his best tongue action wasn’t getting him what he wanted he decided to stand up and face me under the spray. 

 

Now will you listen to me I asked him. He got all sullen and emo on me. And he has the nerve to bitch that I’m the emo king here. Bullshit. When he wants to pull emo he could give lessons to that kid in Twilight. All sullen and smoky looking. Actually he looked kinda sexy to, but I had to overlook that for the moment or it was a done deal. So we got out of the shower and dried off then went in and sat on opposite beds, naked, our wilted little peckers looking downright lonesome, but I kept my eyes on his face and he worked to do the same with me.

 

I told him what scared me, what had me running on all cylinders like I had to have to me every second. I told him how I was afraid I was going to lose him again. Ok, so yeah I went emo on him sue me. He started to swear to me how he’d never do that to me again…etc and so forth and I put my hand over his mouth. Cheeky fucker had the nerve to tongue my hand. When he noticed that that didn’t get a rise out of me he suddenly got serious. Like hey, maybe the doofus older brother might actually have something viable to say. God did I just use the word “viable” in a sentence? Anyway I got him to listen to me, and not swear to anything. I didn’t want his oaths, I just wanted him to hear me out.

 

He did and we held each other for a solid hour, just cuddling, then we had some hot make up sex! That’s all you’re getting from me for right now, cause he’s over there asleep, I had the nerve to wake up first and he throwing some major morning wood. Save a horse ride a cowboy! Yee-Haw!


	4. Chapter 4

There are time when I feel like I’m caught up in the sappiest love story ever. And then times when I can’t believe how lucky I could get. Sam has been my responsibility to keep safe as a kid, I, well my memory is fuzzy about a few things but I can remember standing outside our home in Lawrence, watching in horror as flames leaped out of the upper floor. 

 

I remember dad coming down and trying to take Sam from me after he made sure we were safe. I remember I couldn’t let go and thankfully dad took us both in a hug. We all cried, this was our home, this was supposed to be safety and security. Daddy would go to work, mama would let me work with her in the kitchen when I wasn’t tearing through the house like a bat outta hell. It took several weeks after the fire for me to sleep soundly, and we, me and Sammy always shared the same bed. I didn’t care that he was in a crib, I would climb in with him and be there in the morning when Dad would come looking for us. 

 

I was just a kid, 4 years old, but I learned how to feed and eventually change and help potty train Sam. I would help feed him, most of the time with use eating together. I used to slip him little bits of my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He grew up strong, we grew up tight. All through grade school he never had a bully pick on him. Mainly cause he could hold his own but mostly cause he had a big brother who’d take it personal if somebody fucked with his kid bro.

 

By the time we were teenagers our hormones were going crazy. I was banging as many chicks as I could manage, Sam was just coming to understand what sex was about, hell, it was me who taught him how to jack off. He had a few girlfriends in school, but that dwindled away and he would start hanging out with guys at wherever we were living at the time. I didn’t think anything about it until one time when I brought a chick home and was banging her in the living room, I thought Sammy was asleep, I found out later that he was watching from the shadows. 

 

I also remember the night he confessed to me how he felt, how it tore him apart inside, how according to some folk, he was vile and contemptible. I held him all night, we cuddled that night and shared the same bed for weeks. We started out with the simple stuff, mutual masturbation and the like. I taught Sammy how to hold off his orgasm so that he could come with his partner. The we advanced and I taught him where his prostate was and how good it felt to massage it. He was more than a willing student. I did all this cause I thought I was doing like the good shit that a big brother was supposed to do. It wasn’t until during one of our jack off sessions he leaned over and inexpertly kissed me. I knew then I was getting in real deep water. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t care, but at the same time I knew I to put limitations on our playtime. Finally he got me so hot that I ended up teaching him how to kiss, and well, our lessons were more straight up make out sessions. 

 

I love Sam, loved him then and now like the best brother in the world, that’s a given. But I also grew to love him, to LOVE him. Oh God how I loved him. I would still screw the occasional chick because it would have looked strange if I suddenly looked to be going celibate, Sam didn’t care what people thought. Hell I remember what it was like when Dad found out that one of his boys was queer. He blew his stack at first then calmed down when me and him, just me and Dad talked. Dad didn’t like the idea, but couldn’t say anything against it. Because as he said so often, “Even a hunter has to love somebody.”

 

We weren’t immune, then we moved again, this time we actually got settled in a burb outside of San Francisco. Queer capital of the world. The school we went to didn’t care and well, so what if we were brothers, it was still cool. Sometimes we would pick up a third to play with. And once I remember, it was after Sam turned 16 taking him to a party at Wanda Jenkins place, damn what a place, and it was a total queer haven. We ended up making it with like 6 different guys that night. But I still chased girl tail, I guess it was a cover maybe it was just me fighting me. I don’t know. But I still chased that illusive poon-tang and had a blast fucking both guys and gals. But it was hard to take on another guy after a while. I mean, I felt like I was cheating on Sam.

 

We were together as more than brothers in a serious way for about 3 years, then he decided to go off to college. I think that was the closest I came to eating a bullet. I ended up banging everything, just to bang it. I didn’t care. I was a machine, a fucking machine. Then finally I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to go and see what was going on with Sammy, that’s when I saw him hanging out with a group of students. “Good” I thought, he had friends, a social safety net. But it still ached that I was on the outside looking in. 

 

I don’t know why I’m writing all about this. But for some reason it just seemed to jump out at me. Today’s his birthday; I went out and got our lunch plus a birthday cake. We demolished it with our hands, not prettily cutting slices out and eating them, but eating it by the handfuls. Then sticky and messy with icing we started making out and well it didn’t take long for us to end up in bed. And this is the tricky part journal of mine. It’s admitting to having some of the greatest sex. If seems that every day it gets better. Even with dealing with that damn wall, even with dealing with all the double dealing shit that Crowley’s putting us through. I love Sam; I never want to lose him again. 

 

Sorry for the pause I got very unguylike for a few minutes. Okay so I had a bit of a crying session, I ‘m just glad that he’s out doing some library work while I’m working on this. I hate to see him cry, but I hate to be the one doing the crying as well. Well here he comes, I can see him getting out of the Impala, yeah I let him take her for this run. He’s got that look of finding some really good shit, and he looks so blatantly sexy when he’s ’lost in thought like that. I’m gonna get lucky.


	5. Chapter 5

Ok, this shit’s getting addictive. Last night we had a wild time. Sam came in all hyped up over some info he’d found on a Manticore…yeah that’s what I thought. What the fuck are we interested in one of them for? Then come to find out little bro found out about a possible hunt in Arizona. Something like a mountain lion killing people, but the natives around the area seem to have a different notion. Some claim to have even seen the fucker. 

 

So I guess we get to go to South Hell…Arizona in July, he better give up some serious sex over this one. I’m talking break out the toys mama, babies want to play. Ha ha, that was one thing that Chuck Shurley wasn’t writing about and didn’t know about. That extra smaller bag that we pack out as well. It only comes out on special occasions, especially when we’re feeling extra hot. Just got a violet wand to add to the stash of toys in there. Damn thing was expensive, shit! $300 for a wand with 1 star. But Sammy eats that shit up, me I can take it or leave it. The Ben-Wa balls are kind of fun, they kept us busy one night for a little while. 

 

Oh well, keep your mind clear Deano, you’ve got a long drive ahead of you today, which is why I’m making a morning entry.

 

Sorry for the pause, we just pulled into our motel for the night, a little less Psycho looking and they actually had a room with a king we could grab. May stay over an extra day just to unwind. I don’t mind going from one hunt to the next, but sometimes it do get old.

 

Sammy’s in bathroom getting ready to shower brb, sorry for the pregnant pause, decided a shower sounded good to me to. After doubles we’re both kind of tired. So I’ll keep this short tonight. We’ve talked out the ‘issues’ and pretty much got that worked out for now. I can’t help but cringe when we’re not together and that’s not good for either of us. Sammy said he would swear on a stack of bibles that he’d never pull a Ruby stunt again. I told him that I wasn’t worried about that. I mean he hasn’t been jonesing for some demon blood lately, and seems cool with things. 

 

Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m trying to make more out of this than there is, if any of this get smudged it’s because yours truly propped his head on the book hoping for answers. That damndest thing is going on and I’m scared to talk about it because I don’t know what it could begin to mean. But I’m having dreams, seriously wicked dreams. Had one before our ogre hunt when Sammy gets gutted by a creature. The ogre came real close to doing that, if I hadn’t panicked when I did and yanked him back, that damn fuckers blade would’ve slice him open like a Christmas turkey. 

 

I’m scared…just plain scared.

 

Shit just about peed my pants, it’s Sam, he came over to see what was keeping me awake I tried to hide the part about dreams but it’s too late. We gonna have a talk.


	6. Chapter 6

I’m back, I don’t know if this is helping or not, but at least it gives my hands something to do while my mind spins out of control. Sam and I talked about the dreams, he’s concerned now as well. Good to know I’m not the only one sleeping with my mind wrapped around something crazy. And I’m seriously talking crazy, had a nightmare early this morning and it woke me up at 6, something that hasn’t happened in years, at least willingly. I was back in that desert of a future with Sammy all decked out in that fine white ice cream suit, looking so fuckable but inside was Lucifer. 

 

That’s a dream that guaranteed to get my blood up and pumping in so many ways it’s not funny. I woke up with my arm snuggled around Sam, holding on for dear life, and I feel wetness on my cheeks. Dreams like this aren’t funny. Thankfully it didn’t wake up Sam, he just took my tighting up as a need for extra snuggling and rode with the flow. I breathed a sigh of relief, loosened my grip and started to get out of bed.

 

“Where do you think you’re going cowboy?” Sam drawled out to me. I swear I love that time we spent in Texas, he picked up the accent I wish I could have instead of this Bronx drawl. Although I gotta admit this Bronx attitude I copped from the time me and Dad spent up north has gone a long way to keeping us out of trouble. But his Texas drawl is just downright sexy and melts me everytime he uses it. I told him it was unfair for him to have such a sexy voice and he had the nerve to look at me like, “what are you talking about?” 

 

He asked me what woke me and I told him it was just a nightmare, he came full awake then and wanted details. So I described it as best as I could. He reached over brushed my cheeks with his hands and told me flat out that he would never say yes again, once was more than enough. He still has problems dealing with that. Me I told him about my kink of him in that ice cream suit. He grinned and told me that they’d have to go shopping for him something like that. Maybe I do have a Lucifer fetish, God knows I love being associated with power. But for Sam to give over to that shit again, there would be no way he’d go to that cage alone, no fucking way.

 

Sam’s looking over at from the bed where we just finished fucking about an hour ago, I’m still naked while I’m writing this. SO if any future readers gets your hands on this indulge in that fantasy of me for a moment.

 

Okay moment’s over. We’ve gotta shower and get back on the road, there’s something going on at Bobby’s and it doesn’t sound good. 

 

Shower was exceptional, being force-fucked while bracing against the shower wall is always exhilarating, but when the water turned off cold, Sammy cranked up his sex engine. It wasn’t a hurry to get out of there but for some reason the cold water was a big turn on for him. This time when he shot his load I fucking felt it. It was like one of those loads you cop when you’re a teenager, that coming shot that seems to go on forever and soaks you down. I was even still hard under that water and it’d didn’t take too many pulls on my pecker for Sam to get me to come as well. We sort of collapsed in the shower and turned off the water, we were on our knees in the tub in a long hug, one that seemed to go on forever. 

 

Then I tried as nicely as possible to pull away. “Where you going? You’re always off somewhere.” I told him I had to pee. He told me to let it rip he was too into hugs right now and making out to care. “Dude I’ll get my pee on you.” I told him. “So we’re in a tub with a drain, there’s more water to wash off with, big fucking deal, I’m too comfortable to move beside I’m about to let go, myself.” So dear diary we indulged in a light bout of water sports, and it wasn’t that bad, in fact, we were both hard again before we were finished so we jacked each other off. Then took a lukewarm shower to clean up. I think I’d like to try that again sometime. Ok so I got a lot of kinks sue me.

 

Well we’re cleaned up, dressed up, and loaded up. I called Bobby’s place and he told me that things were coming to a head and to meet him at the junkyard as quick as possible. Some was brewing. So here we go again, another day on the road to God knows what’s at the end of it.


	7. Chapter 7

What awaits us at the end of the road is something totally unexpected. It seems that Bobby received a package via Federal Express with explicit instructions that he was only to open it when we were present.

We carefully checked the box for booby traps and obvious signs of tampering, thankfully there was none and when we did open the box there was nothing more harmful that a carved ivory figurine. Having more than a little experience with cursed objects, we didn’t handle it directly. 

 

It was me that made the connection first, I poked at it with a ink pen and then we made a decision, we’d create a binding circle on the floor just in case it was possessed of something trying to get out. Just looking at it though you couldn’t see how something like that could be cursed. I remember reading about scrimshaw as a kid, how sailors would carve shapes out of or into bone, teeth and such of fish. This looked like to was carved from real honest-to-God ivory. It was old, I could tell that much, is was a little over the width of my hand long, and was fricking simple in design but beautiful as well. It was a woman with flowing hair standing there with her hands placidly by her side. 

 

The only reason I remembered something about it was that I got into reading some Robert Jordan years ago. We’d scraped out a bookstore of some fetid demons and the owner was only too glad to get rid of them. I found the book in the back in one of the stacks of paperbacks, I’ll never forget it it was a cover of a group of people on horseback looking like they were riding through town in the dead of night. “Eye of the World.” That’s what it was. There was something in the first part of the book that caught my attention because of some of the shit we deal with on a daily basis. Jordan called them ‘angreal’ things that could enhance a person’s psychic ability. 

 

I wondered at first if this could be one of them things but threw out the notion, it came FedEx, with no return address other than a PO Box, in Northampton, Massachusetts. So we decided to take it out of the box and place it in the binding circle. No reaction, so we sucked it up and each took a prod at her. Bobby did first and nothing happened. Then it was my turn and I felt some warmth from it and a bit of a tingle but nothing bit me. Then Sam touched it and for a moment he looked like ‘long ago and far far away.’ His expression glazed and his eyes fixed momentarily. Then he pulled back from it. He looked at me and Bobby, “do you remember how jacked up I was on demon blood.” He had asked, I could only nod dumbly. “It felt like that times 10.”

 

I told him to leave it alone and not fuck with it. It had to do with something connected to his psychic abilities which pretty much were null since that bout with Famine. But suddenly this triggered them not only back on but jacked up. I wanted to be hell and done with it but we had to find out who sent the fucker to start with. Damn never thought I’d been writing up a hunt in my journal. Shows what I know. 

 

I gave it to Bobby, told him to put it somewhere safe until we found out who sent it and why.” There was a lot a questions and too few damn answers. 

 

Bobby put us up for the night, he don’t know about just how close we are, and I’m not about to tell him. Makes me feel like shit, but damn it there are some things that should just be kept to yourself. Ya know? And this bump and grind that me and Sammy do occasionally is one of the biggies. I’m afraid there would be no way around explaining it to him and I also know the flaw behind keeping a secret, there will come a time when it will become known…man we gotta figure out a way to tell him. I’ll sleep on it tonight. 

 

It was a cold night so to share body heat, me and Sam crawled in together in the same bed. We lay like that for a little while snuggled up and warming up fast. It didn’t take long for other parts of me started to heat up as well and well I started dry humping Sam. Who didn’t seem to mind in the least, hell he was getting fucking turned on by it all and was moaning slightly as he slowly rubbed his cock. I did a reach around and slapped his hand away taking control. We were both on cloud nine, it was about when he was going to get jacked up to a ten that I felt like I was about to lose control. I gave Sammy fair warning and yeah I got his ass bare, so my dick was sliding up and down his ass crack for all it was worth, then I reared back and entered him, easy and slow considering I had no lube. Oh my freak God, I’m getting another hard on thinking about it again, but he was so into this that his pulses of pleasure sent little muscle waves through his ass. Then I felt his ass clench down and then that warm come of his spilling onto my fist. I could hold back and buried my mouth against his shoulder as I nearly screamed with my orgasm. Okay so I’m vocal, big fucking deal, it feels good. Oh man…take five.

 

Whew, sorry about diary had to go toss one off while finishing this. Sam is downstairs now having coffee and discussing what to do about that figurine when I come down fresh from the shower. I noticed that Bobby was eyeing me narrowly across the rim of his cup and I felt a chill hand grip my nuts. 

 

“You okay.” I asked him and he looked me square in the eye and said, “Nope, you see I’m downstairs last night, but I ain’t deaf. I know the sound of bedsprings flexing.”

 

“Sorry Bobby, Sam was in the bathroom and well I had some business to take care of.” I told him and I could feel the blush rise up and cheeks heat up my tongue burning from the lie.

 

“No big deal, just letting you both know sound travels in this house.” He told me. Then he hit me with the bombshell. I was about to bring you boys in a couple of extra blankets when I heard the sounds coming from the room.” I froze, my cheeks feeling flushed now. “I know you two were fucking, or at least jacking each other off.”

 

“Sorry Bobby, didn’t mean for that to happen like that.” I told him. He caught me square in the eyes again and looked just at me for a moment and then at Sam who was red as a Christmas bow. “Why’d you lie to me, Dean? Afraid an old geezer like me might have some real negative feelings about two hunters do that?” He inhaled sharply. “Two hunters I can see and I could knock it off with a bit of embarrassment on my part, but you’re brother’s for Christ’s sake.” Then the killer, “Did John know?” 

 

“No I swear it! Bobby this is new to us as well, we’ve been together like forever discovered we liked this years ago, put it off for a while and just got back into it.” I said gasping. “I swear to you Dad never knew beyond the fact that we were two tight brothers and that was enough for him.”

 

“Are you two having a relationship?” He said that almost like a slap in the face and I got hot all of the sudden. I felt Sammy trying to hold me down but I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of hiding it from family.

 

I told him, “I don’t know, we’re tight with each other, and we finally got our heads clear about where we’re heading. We love each other, doing what we’re doing is an expression of that love we share. Is that so cataclysmicly bad as to make us lepers all of the sudden.” I remember that pretty damn clearly, I also remember that I was so mad I was crying, something I hate.

 

Bobby sighed and looked at us. “Simmer down ya stupid idgit, before you have a stroke or something. You both tested out didn’t you?”

 

“We get tested on a regular basis.” Sam put in quietly. “Bobby I’m sorry to spring it on you like this, but it was gonna happen sooner or later.” Sam was shaking his head, he looked as confused as I was angry which was considerable. 

 

“Can you accept us still as we are or do we need to look for somewhere else to bed down?” I blurted.

 

If looks could’ve killed I swear I would have been on a roasting spit. I sat down hard and was nearly hyperventilating from fear and anger. Bobby just looked at for a moment got up and poured him some more coffee. “You ain’t going nowhere. I just wish you’d had the balls to come to me earlier and tell me about this instead of parading like that behind my back.”

 

“Bobby I swear to you, last night was the first time we ever done anything like this under your roof.” Sam said desperately. 

 

“It’s okay boy, I believe you, Dean, you got some work to do to make up some ground. You’re the elder, you’re supposed to be a leader, even as a leader you gotta keep your team informed.”

 

I lost it then, “I didn’t realize our sexual preference was an issue to keep you informed on.” 

 

Bobby looked at me a moment then threw his cup of coffee on the floor hard. I heard the cup shatter. “Didn’t you hear me when I said that didn’t matter, only the fact that you kept hid like this. I don’t give a good green goddamn what you and your brother are doing as long as you’re an effectual team. But if you even think of doing that shit under my roof again, at least for the time being, and I swear I’ll take a broom handle to do my switching with. You ain’t too old to spank boy! Remember that.” 

 

That cooled me down a little then he looked at the mess he made and bent down picking up pieces of glass. I could hear his sniffling a bit. The a low growl, “You could’a goddamn well told me. I wouldn’t have kicked you out over something that little.” Putting the shard in the trash can he mopped up the coffee while I got up and got him a fresh cup. I remember passing it too and I could feel how fucking miserable I was feeling. 

 

“I’m sorry Bobby. I’m sorry.” Damn it to go from whacking off to tears in five minutes, I must be going through menopause. I had to set the cup down quick because Bobby grabbed me in one of his rough bear hugs.

 

“The last thing I’m worried about is if your fucking your brother or vice versa. The thing that worries me is how this is going to affect you both on a hunt.”

 

I was gobsmacked, I never even considered that and he was making a valid point. Sammy put it in perspective. “When we’re on a hunt, we’re hunters, the rest of the time we’re brothers and lovers.” 

 

He made it sound so simple. But I knew better, I knew that now I would be watching out for him a bit more closely and he’d be doing the same for me. 

 

What a fucking mess……


	8. Chapter 8

Sam and I slept on it, sleeping apart or trying to one to each bed at Bobby’s. I could sleep worth shit and neither could Sam. We both ended up curled up in his bed, me spooning him and clutching him for all he was worth. When we woke we’d made our minds up enough of this fucking angsting over this situation. We were going to bring it right out in the clear with Bobby.

 

At breakfast I looked at Bobby who was still feeling the day before. I took a deep breath, thank God I had the foresight to write this out before spilling it to Bobby, so here is what I wrote and gave him. 

 

“I don’t know what we’ve done other than fall in love. I don’t know if that’s a common occurrence with hunters or what. You know, Sammy, as well as anyone that for a while there I was banging every skirt I could lay my hands on. It just didn’t matter to me. The there was that night, we’d just got back from a mega hunt, I had to stitch you up pretty good, Then we both fell asleep on the same bed, just like we used to do as kids. Yeah it was embarrassing for me to wake you up with my morning wood. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t mean for a lot of things to happen but they did, and for me, I don’t regret it one damn bit, I’d do it all over again if I could. Sam’s my brother, I confide in him, we plan events together, we’re tight, He is also my lover, we share a sexual bond that I don’t know man, it’s like fireworks to me every time we’re able to get some time to ourselves. Now we went for months and went behind your back Bobby, for that I’m heartily sorry, I guess that apologies will never make up completely for lie we were living. I only want to move on and get this hunting business back in hand, but I want you to understand Bobby that I’m not about to change and be something I’m not while I’m here. I can’t do that. I’m sorry for that as well. Bobby you’ve been more a father to us than our own. You taught us, guided us, gave us a few well earned kicks in the ass. But you’ve always been there. We want to know that you’ll still be there.”

 

Time seemed to stretch out forever while Bobby sat digesting that and then he nodded and told me back. “You do anything, you do it like I’m in the next room. I’m cool with this, just don’t parade it out like some of the guys I’ve seen in biker bars. If you can do that we’re good.” 

 

“I promise that if we kiss it’ll be when your back is turned.” Sam said with a grin. Bobby actually grinned back a bit sheepishly I noticed. It was going to be hard on all of us. I just hope it all works out okay. 

 

So we left that bit of drama and looked over some of the research that Sam did on the figurine. It turned out that she was one of nine such figurines of Chinese make. Each one to give the holder specific abilities. For this lady who we learned later was the Goddess Quan Yin, the holder was given power to heal and help. Sam found some woodcut prints at one random website that had our little token correct down to a Tee.


	9. Chapter 9

The best laid plans of mice and men and all that shit went on today. We got a lead on the sender, if you can call it a lead. A friend of a friend who owes a friend a favor to Bobby pulled a name out of the hate to go with the address. S&R Imports. Like that’s going to be a fat lot of help to us. But we’ll go down to Austin, Texas and check it out.

 

We left the figurine with Bobby for safekeeping and are just taking a snapshot along that we took with my cell phone. 

 

Sam’s been acting funny most of the day and I can’t figure out why. Kinda of itchy, if that makes any sense, he’s got a tote bag like one of them things we used to use for gym class in the back seat and has so much as threatened to break my fingers if I try to get into it before tonight. Shit, I was so lost in thought over a) this figurine business and b) how do I keep Sam safe on a hunt without being even more of a mother hen. Not to mention how do I handle the chicks the he seems to be a magnet for. God he can flash those hazel eyes in just the right way, smile just enough, and bag anybody. Me, I gotta lay a little groundwork first. I could feel that so called ‘green eyed’ monster lurking in the shadows of my mind. I could feel that lurk and didn’t like it one bit. 

 

Finally I couldn’t take the trying to figure it out by myself moment a minute longer so I whipped off the tape deck and glanced at him while speeding down the interstate. “So what do we do about this?”

 

“About what” he says to me. “Us. I mean I don’t know if I’ll be able to take someone hitting up on you. Or for that matter you hitting up on someone.” I said with a groan to myself. I hated sounding like this, like some angsting high schooler on a first date. 

 

I could feel his eyes twinkling almost, “Dean, we been a item for how many years now 5, and before Stanford there was the time between 15 and 18 that we were active. Oh I’ll admit being 13 and popping wood when I would see you come out of the shower with just a towel wrapped low, and a few times I came before I could actually shoot when I would see you naked going into the shower or coming out. Hell we been an item for years, nearly a decade if you want to look at it that way.” The only reason I wrote all that down was because it was leading somewhere that I’ll bring up in a sec. And yeah my jaw unhinged slightly to know I was giving my brother hard-on’s and drygasms when he was just a kid. Actually part of that made me feel good and part made me feel kinda creepy. Like I was some kind of closet pedophile or something. But then I figured, wait a damn minute, I’m just the vehicle for the sexual fantasy, We didn’t act on it until he was 15, more than old enough to make up his own mind about things. 

 

He looked over at me while I was driving and I could feel him nearly undressing me with his eyes for a minute. I shifted a little, trying to be cool, you know. Then he popped the question literally. “We could go to New York and make this legal you know.” He said as if he were giving the weather report.

 

I asked him what the hell was he talking about. He comes out with, “We could get married.” Holy shit, I nearly ran us into a guard rail with that news. I looked and there was a rest stop up ahead and I pulled into it. Thank God it was fairly populated with truckers and people with campers and such. We got out of the car, hit the bathrooms then took a walk on one of the dog trails that went kinda into the back country a little bit. When we were far enough away that I knew if I shouted it wouldn’t draw too much attention. I just looked at him. 

“Did you just fucking propose to me back there!?” I had to try three times to get it out because I was nearly hyperventilating.

 

“Yeah, I was…I mean we got fake identifications we can use. We get a blood test done, wait 24 hours and then get hitched in a Justice of the Peace office.”

 

“Why New York?” I asked him suddenly feeling very stupid. He popped back at me, “That’s where our id’s say that we’re from and they have legalized gay marriage.”

 

“That’d be great if I was gay.” I told him. He just looked at me for a minute and then busted out laughing. “You are the straightest gay guy I know.” Then he came out with asking me how many chicks have I banged lately. And I had to admit to just a handful considering I had something regular. And most of them I did when we were fighting. He looked at me again and actually took my left hand and made the motion like he was putting a ring on the ringfinger. I admit I liked the feeling but we heard a noise on the trail and jumped. It was an older couple who were out walking their yorkie. The smiled at us as they went by and I actually heard the woman saying to her husband. “See that’s young love for you, why don’t you do me that way?” 

 

My face suddenly felt fourteen shades of red all of the sudden. “Sam we just can’t, I mean incest is illegal in how many states?” 

 

“Only if witnessed and the witness has to be able to prove that the two are related. Besides it wouldn’t be Sam and Dean Winchester who got married it would be another couple. Unless one of us was a step sibling then I think we could skirt the incest laws.”

 

“You make this sound all so easy!” I’m nearly shouting. He looks at me all patient like and smiled then had the audacity to give me a kiss. “It is,” he told me, he said it was just me making a major event out of this. I told him that we couldn’t ever tell Bobby, ever. He agreed that yeah that would suck. But we’d been in harder areas before. I asked him to give me a couple of days to think it over at least.

 

You would’ve thought I shot his puppy. He gave me a look for a minute then totally shut me out. It was then I realized two things. 1) this marriage business meant a lot to him and I just stepped on it without giving it that much thought and 2) I had fucked up royally and I’d have to work to make up the road on this one. We made it back to the car in silence and got back on the road. I finally couldn’t take it any longer and checking my rearview for traffic, seeing there wasn’t none, I yanked the wheel hard and put us on the shoulder.

 

“The fuck!” He yells at me. I grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him into a kiss, he fought me to start with then slowly, damn slowly gave in. When I let him go he was gasping. I told him, “Listen here college boy, this marrying idea is totally news to me, I haven’t ever thought about getting married to a woman much less a guy. And come to find out that my fiancé is my brother to boot is sort of freaking me out. You hit me outta the blue with this and expect me to act like I’m all cool with it and want to immediately give up this hunt to go to New York. When I do get married the person I hitch up with is gonna know that the hunt comes first, that unless there’s life or death emergency the hunt’s still on.” 

 

Sam looks down at his hands a moment and then at meet real sheepish like and tells me that he was sorry for springing it on me like that. He said he’d been thinking about it for some time, it was just now that he actually got a chance to do something about it and wanted to know my feelings. I told him that my feelings were scrambled right now and probably would be for a short while. It wasn’t every day I get a proposal of marriage. Like I said, from my kid brother. We made sure that we were good with that and then started back up again. I looked at the clock on the dash, shit over a hour wasted on a stupid argument. Then I slapped myself, it was stupid to me, but it was something that Sam had been thinking about for a while. Sorta made me feel real guilty. So this evening around 8 or so we checked into a motel, rather Sam did the checking in for me. And then came up with a room key to a room that was hell and gone from the office. That was when he got the bag outta the back seat along with his duffle bag from the trunk. Then we went to an all night diner nearby and got something to eat and finally made our way back to the room. 

 

It was unfuckingreal what Sam had packed. I couldn’t believe it to start out with. There was a fricking pair of shackles, handcuffs, a cat of nine tails, and a few other devices I could only guess at. I was wondering what was going on when I looked up and saw he was already stripped down to his boxers, I was game for a roll and tumble and it looked like it was about to get real interesting. Sam didn’t say a word, only snapped one hand cuff on one wrist and the other on the other. Then he snugged his thumbs into his boxers waistband and snagged them down, I’ve never forgotten how good he looks. I get reminded every time we’re like this. Damn my mouth waters every time I see him nekkid like this. But with the cuffs on then he snapped on the schackles and lay face down on the bed.

 

He looked at me through that fringe of brown hair that flopped over his face. “You know you want to do this.” And damn if I didn’t. I secured him down on the bed and picked up the ball gag. It was a moment’s work to get that on. If you’re wondering why I’m being so meticulous with writing this down is because this will make great fantasy material later on. Anyway, I got the ball gag on him then he saw me pick up the cat o nine tails. I looked at it, I have to admit, I fondled the thongs. Then I turned around and dangled it experimentally on his back and drew it slowly down his length and across his ass. He grunted an imperative and I laughed. He was talking to someone who’d worked the rack for 10 years, who was on the rack for 30, he wasn’t dealing with a neophyte when it came to dishing out pain. But he was my kid brother and I had to work up to his level so I came down, well I thought it was hard, across his back. The thongs left bright red marks where they landed. He groaned then gave me that imperious grunt again, so I gave it to him harder. Now he was groaning and moaning in earnest. Finally I set a rhythm and gave him 10 lashes.

 

By the time I’d made it through those 10 lashes he was screaming around the gag. His breathing was coming in ragged gasps and I looked at his back and the welts, some of which were bleeding. That was when I felt the maniacal lust in me to inflict more and more pain, to rend his back. I raised my arm for another 10 lashes and made it through three of them before I stopped myself. I looked at him in shock. I numbly took off the shackles and cuffs, I lay a towel across his back and rolled him, the ball gag was still in and that was probably a good thing because when he finished to end up on his back he screamed out again in pain. But his prick was telling an entirely different story.

 

He was hard as a fence post, I could’ve drive nails into oak with that hardon. He was also leaking pre-come like he’d already shot his load. He was grinning around the ball gag now, we a combination of a grin for a few moments then a grimace of pain. I went down on him and God it was wonderful. I’d never tasted anything as sweet as he was right then. He made a face at me and I undid the ball gag, his cock never flagging. 

 

“Fuck me.” He begged me. I was like ’what the hell!’ I told him that I laid into him pretty good and that anything like that was just going to add to the pain.

 

“That’s the point.” He told me breathily. So I used some of the lube from the pack and carefully ran my hand between his spread and pulled up legs to massage his asshole. I know I must’ve brushed several of the lash marked since he lay there gasping every now and then. In the meantime he was holding onto my dick with a death grip. I’ve been hard before never like this. We’ve experimented before but were always careful this time he wanted me to just let go and give in. I got him good and buttered up, his hole loosened then lined up on him pushing into him. God I’m still hard just thinking about all this again. He begged me to fuck him like a tramp. I took a few experimental thrusts and he cried out as I pounded into him cause him to shift on the towel. I froze but he begged me some more and soon I was lost in it. I’ve have some good fucks in my day, but this was great. I came like an express train, well not that fast I got in a good 10 minutes of fucking before I even began to feel like I was gonna come. Then when I did he did just moments behind me with me stroking him. 

 

As I came down from the high, I pulled out and got some wash cloths cleaning us up. Then I got him to roll over and managed to get the towel worked loose from his back. It had fused in some places where he was bleeding especially badly. I broke out the field kit and dressed the wounds carefully. I did manage to convince him to stay on his stomach for a while to let the wounds coagulate again. Getting a second look at it made me sick. I couldn’t take it, it was too much like hell only without me stopping. I would have flailed meat from bone. I surprised him a little I think, but I had to clear the bed fast. I just made it to the bathroom as my stomach emptied into the bowl. I look back at this and think yeah it was a turn on and at the same time such a turn off. I couldn’t believe I had done that to my little brother. The kid who looked up at me with trusting eyes that I could do anything. The only problem was he didn’t realize some of the things I could do. I was there kneeling over the bowl sobbing like a baby as I puked my guts up. After several minutes I felt a cool rag on the back of my neck and Sam hugging me.

 

“It’s okay.” He kept saying, “It’s okay.” I thought to myself ‘Oh hell no it’s not okay; I’d never be okay with doing this shit again.’ I felt like scum and worse in my position and tried to shove him away only to have him pull in tighter. He told me, “No, not this time, you don’t get your way this time.” That made me cry harder even as I dry heaved. After a moment I flushed managed to stand then I rinsed out my mouth and we went back to bed. Sam on his stomach me on my side facing him. We kissed then…goddamn if I never again taste kisses like that … whoa. We went to sleep holding each other and I slept for several hours until I woke long enough to make this entry. My hand’s cramping now, guess I held the pen too hard. I’m gonna lay back down for a bit and see if I can make some of the bad dreams go away again. Wish me luck.


	10. Chapter 10

(Later that same day)

 

Okay, it’s cool, got up and after a quick shower ran out to the local drug store. I basically took care of his first aid needs last night but today he was going to get the full monty whether he wants it or not. Got some supplies and got back to the room just as I heard him coming out of the shower. 

 

He’s so cute when he gets startled, something about me popping the door open like that and him standing there nekkid with 1 foot in his boxers the other cocked up. He bitched me out then he straightened up and I noticed his flinching. Got him to sit down on the bed and I field dressed the wounds with antiseptic, the antibiotic ointment, then gauze, finally getting him to cover the lot with a tee shirt. That pad of fake prescription slips came in handy too. Got 10 Vicodin, just in case. We did go out to breakfast, it took him a few because every time he’d lean back it would stretch the skin where the tape was down holding the gauze in place. Finally he settled for sitting back real slow. After breakfast we decided to stay over an extra day so I booked the room again, and got him to at least lay face down on the bed.

 

“I’ve had worse.” He griped at me. It was all I could do to not stare. Then he pops me with the I was in the cage for a while number. That REALLY made me feel good. “So,” I told him, “what I did last night was sorta like what happened in the cage.”

 

He gave me a look for a moment and I had to blow it off and look away, the guilt was pretty severe after all I got a real up close and personal look at the welts I made and the places where I actually broke skin. 

 

“Bet that shower hurt like a bitch!” I told him finally. He looked up at me and told me to stop it. Stop what I asked. Stop piling the guilt on because he would have stopped me last night if he wanted to, he knew how. Yeah he was laying there shrieking like a girl through that ball gag, I was beating the shit out of his back and ass, and he knew how he was going to stop me. “I like it rough.” He told me. “At least I do now.” He amended. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing for a minute there and told him so. He told me that when he came back he would hook up with some ladies and guys who were into punishment. He pushed them to the limits and still couldn’t get enough.

 

I felt myself beginning to get sick. “So my little brother wants to be my sub now?” I asked jokingly. He nearly came up off the bed and looked me straight in the eyes. “Are you serious about that?” He asked. He told me, “Don’t go teasing me with bullshit and then back off, are you serious?” I didn’t know what to answer I’ve never been a dom before, I don’t know the first thing about being a dom, but I do know torture. “That’s not all there is to it.” He told me. 

 

So he spent the next hour giving me some inside information as to what a dom and sub do, what their relationship was like, everything. I was like totally blown away. I asked him where he come up with all that information and he said that Danny Campbell, one of the unnamed cousins I saw in the group was a sub for someone, he wouldn’t say who. My money is on Samuel. That’s sick Dean, back off shit like that. Anyway after hearing what he told me I looked at him, got down on my knees where he would’nt have to stretch so. Got right next to him on the bed and asked him. “Do you want to be my sub?” 

 

His answer was one word, not yes, not no, but please. I was totally whacked, I had to be so he told me to get something to write on and write with. Thankfully we got a room at a Days Inn, it was the only thing on our way out when I got tired and horny enough to pull over. They had feel notepads in the room. I was like fuck that and got his laptop and turned it on while it was coming on he insisted I help him sit up. We settled on getting him to lay on his back with some pillows under his back. He started typing into the word processor. After a little bit he sat back and turned the screen to me. 

 

“I found this online, I can change the names to fit but here it is.” It was a fucking CONTRACT between a sub and dom. “You want us to take a contract out on this?” I asked him not believing what I was reading. He answered ‘only if you want to. But do you want me for your sub now?’ I looked at him and saw the emotion in his eyes and face, I couldn’t help but kiss him and I did do a proper job of it if I say so myself. I just told him that I wanted to do what would make him happy. We looked at each other though for a moment as we knew where we were headed and what we had planned. “You still wanna go through with the marriage?” I asked him, his eyes filled and made me feel weak. “You know I do.” He told me and wrapped his arms around my neck in a hug. I hugged back gently. But what do we do about this sub / dom thingy? I’d asked him. “We play rough, if you want me to be your sub, you got it. I want to, but I want you to be comfortable with this.” He told me as he held me. And diary or journal or whatever, I have never felt as loved as I did right then. I had to stay in the hug for a few more minutes to not risk embarrassing myself. As it was when I pulled back he knew I could see it in his eyes. We were done with the job, and on to something bigger. And I was scared shitless. We made the decision early on who was who in our marriage to be. But now he was handing me something hotter than fire. 

 

I finally backed up and told him that if he wanted to be my sub, I would be his dom but that we would have an understanding of each other’s limits and expectations. He fumbled with the keyboard another moment and then closed his laptop. He told me he’d saved the contract and was going to change the names on it and that we could look the rest over later. I told him to fuck that and I got into bed on the other side of him and we looked over the contract together. We changed names, some conditions we jiggled a little bit but got it the way we wanted it to look and then he saved it again. 

 

We made love then, no fucking, no rough play, but slow and well yeah, gentle love. I let him ride me and it felt great to have him on me. Then after I came he was still holding back, how I don’t know but he slicked me up and he gave me himself. We were real careful, took it slow, but it was beautiful. He was the perfect lover. After he’d blown his wad he moved back onto his back with my arm under his neck and we laid like what seemed like hours. It felt so goddamned good just to feel him, smell him, to have his come up inside me. Okay diary so that’s a little bit of a gross out, sue me, I can feel it and it’s well…sexy. 

 

Well time to get off my sore ass and head to bed, I gave laughing boy one of the Vicodin a few minutes ago and he’s out like a fucking light. So the dom is headed to bed for a while to sleep, talk to you…it seems strange knowing I’m the only one reading this right now and writing it for that matter. But hell I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. It’s just hard to keep secret how much I actually care for that Sasquatch looking motherfucker. Niters.


	11. Chapter 11

May 25, 2011

 

Okay so now I’m dating the entries. Goobers idea, not mine. Anyway it’s been a couple of days and I thought I’d weigh in on the newly married couple. And the state let us marry under our real names. That was wicked. We did the deed in Connecticut instead of New York seeing how they still got a warrant out on me in the city proper. I just didn’t want to take the chance. So now we’re are officially Mr. and Mr. Winchester. Boy that sounds weird, hell I never thought I’d see the day something like this happened, just hate to keep it from Bobby though. He’s sort of cool with us being together as a couple, I definitely don’t think he’d be cool with this. 

 

It was mainly the ceremony that I think Sam was wanting, and I can’t deny him much. The ceremony went off slick, we got there the day before yesterday and had blood tests and stuff run, then got clean certificates and went to apply for the marriage certificate, then we found a JP. That was a no-brainer. He stumbled a bit at first at the names then we explained that we were actually cousins removed several times. He finally agreed and did the ceremony. We got a box from one of the chairs and opened it up to share cake with everyone there. That was my idea. Can’t have a wedding without the cake. We had a blast and then ended up riding out of town to spend the night at a Days Inn again. We thought to stay in style for a change. 

One thing we did do was cruise some pawn shops in New Haven and found a ring that fit and looked like Dad’s old wedding ring that I’m wearing on my right hand. So now we have matching bands. Sam wore his all day yesterday and today. He knows that he’ll have to ditch it around Bobby, but the rest of the time is cool. We’re staying in Bridgeport tonight, had dinner in our best dressed duds over at the Olive Garden, and the only reason I’m awake writing this is because I was too keyed up after sex tonight with Sasquatch! Normally it winds me down for some reason tonight it wound me up. Coulda gone for triples but satisfied with doubles. I am just so keyed and so relaxed at the same time. I sound like a grinning girl, maybe I am, maybe this is the one place where I can have chick-flick moments and not have to feel threatened. If it is I’m having a serious one right now as I’m writing and looking over at Dean still healing but on his side, snoring but softly like. 

 

I think I’m settled enough now that I can drift off so I’m gonna crawl in with the man now and cuddle my husband. Damn I kinda like the sound of that.

 

Okay diary it’s officially daylight, the only reason I’m writing this early is because I got up and found you in a different place from where I left you last night. Sam’s getting a shower right now, well we both were but he’s gotta wash that mane of his and that takes a bit longer than me. Oh wait here he comes…

 

Officially later in the day and we had our first major spat as a married couple. He’s pissed at me, I’m pissed at him. He admitted to reading the journal. But only a little bit. He got a little pissed at the way I spelled some things out about how I felt and was wanting to crush on me for some of the other stuff. I was just pissed that he’d read it to start with without asking me first. I thought that’s what this whole journal fucking business was about anyway. So I went whole hog dom mode on his ass. He’s pissed at me for that as well probably, I really don’t care. He shouldn’t have volunteered to be my sub if he wasn’t ready to live up to it. Now he’s thinking on just shit-canning the contract as well as our marriage certificate. 

 

Much later in the day, had to wake up first, we made up, cleared the air and I told him that I would let him read the journal when he asked permission but if I ever found it out of place again, I’d break his fucking nose for starters. He admitted that he was curious and didn’t know if I’d say yay or nay about it, so he thought he could be slick about it. Only when he got through reading it he was so pissed off that he couldn’t see straight for an hour. Then finally came back to bed until after I woke. I told him that my writing my thoughts down like this was like a fucking sacred trust and that this was supposed to be private. It was supposed to be the one place where I could officially write down my thoughts, all of them without being judged. He apologized profusely and we had some cool make up sex, three hours worth. Yeah we hit a personal best with six times each. God my dick feels like it’s gonna fall off! But what a way to go man! Okay I’m settled down now, and we got the bullshit ironed out. But I warned him that in the future if he wanted to read it he better take what he already learned as a warning. I was going to baldly state what I mean and if he can’t deal with that don’t ever ask to read it again.

 

He’s curled up now asleep I can’t believe I made this entry a two day affair but shit happens. Now it’s time to curl up and catch a few winks myself before we have to roll out again.


	12. Chapter 12

May 28, 2011

 

Things have been super the last few days, we go into a dom / sub role a little easier now. I’m still, you know, a little nervous about the whole deal. But part of my duties as his dom is to see that he is taken care of physically. So when I went to check the dressings on a couple of marks I got more than a little concerned when I noticed they were red, I mean real red. We’re headed to Seattle, Washington to take care of a poltergeist problem that we read up on, at least what seems to be a poltergeist. We’ll find out soon enough.

 

But that swelling and shit made me anxious so I took him into one of those pay as you go care centers and they checked it out, determined that the cut was infected and gave him a prescription we got filled a little while ago for Amoxcillin. He already had his first dose, I had a bit of explaining and damned if I still don’t feel like I’m blushing when I explained where the lash marks came from. The nurse assured me that she’d seen much worse. The doctor chided us and gave me a prescription for light sex for the new few weeks. He don’t know us very well. Light sex for us right now is twice a day. It’s like a major banquet we’re at that we never get filled up over. We left there and made it to Reynoldsburg where we decided to call it a night. He claims that the cuts are feeling better. I think it’s a combination of the antibiotic and ibuprofen. Whatever he says he feels better, he looks better that’s all that matters. At least we caught the infection early on that’s a major thing I’m glad of.

 

As it was he wanted punishment for having read my journal like he did. I thought and finally put a cushion on the floor cuffed him and shackled him to the cuffs so that he was kneeling on the cushion and pulled back some. He had to stay like that and not utter a sound until I said different. He stayed that way for just over two hours then I unshackled him and kept him cuffed for another hour. Finally I couldn’t take the silence anymore and gave him permission to speak. Then after an hour of just talking I uncuffed him and let him up off the cushion. I had to help him up but that was cool too. 

 

Checked his back again, the red seems to have lightened up a lot, but he’s not going to take any chances for which I’m grateful. I took a peek in one of his shirts earlier and then took a trip into town leaving him to nap off some of the drugs. Found a shop I was looking for and found something else I was looking for. Came back to the motel to find him up and stirring. Really stirring, he was about to pounce me when I came in the door. I held out the bag to him and he reached for it curiously when I held on. “There’s a rule that comes with this gift.” I told him and I gave it to him. I thought when he opened the bag he was gonna shriek like a little girl, it was a plain leather collar, none of them gaudy bulldog studs or anything, just a collar of leather with a single ring in the front for a lead to be snapped to. I told him that the only time he was to wear that was when he thought he needed discipline. 

 

He actually looked a little put out, he told me, “I’d rather wear it all the time.” I told him that was out of the question. He wears my ring but the collar we wear only in our private time together. He accepted that a little less than as quick as I would’ve liked and I grabbed him by the jaw. “You will learn to listen and obey me when we are behind doors if you want to remain my sub.” I told him firmly. He ducked his eyes and frowned, with an “I’m sorry Dean.” So I was satisfied and he was satisfied, all was good in the world. 

 

I ordered him to strip me down, that I was too hot. It’s fucking May in the middle of Ohio for Christ’s sake, it wasn’t 90* out there. But I wanted to see how well he learned his lesson. When he had me stripped I looked at him, then at my watch, “You have 1 minute to strip from my mark…mark.” Damn if he didn’t make it with time to spare. We lay down together on the bed and as I told him he was to give me a blow job and it better be worth my asking. So he slid down and gave me a blow job, sweaty balls and all. He licked me clean first then deep throated me which I was amazed to see him do, not that I’m any massively hung critter, modest at 6 ½ “ but still just damn! He slicked me up with some spit and massaged my prostate for a few minutes as well, I say a few minutes, because that was as long as I could hold back and that was doing multiplication tables in my head. Yes I’m grinning. I gave him permission to slide back up next to me and I noticed he was rock hard, so I returned the favor, he lasted less time than me so he must’ve been cruising on some good thoughts down there. 

 

This whole thing’s got me feeling funny though, like I ought not to be doing this to my husband and so we had a long talk about that. He was actually hurt thinking I was going to give him up as my sub. I just explained how it was making me feel and that we needed to reach some middle ground if this was to work. We spent the next two hours talking then got up and dressed, it was around sixish by now, so we went to a Denny’s that was nearby and had supper. I noticed his back must be feeling better as he’s able to lean back against the seat cushion. 

 

We were the only ones within about a 4 table perimeter so talking in low tones I looked at him and asked him about the sub thing working with us being married.

 

“Let’s just go with what you said about the collar, we’ll be the same in the room if you want like we always been, but if I get the collar, I want it rough.”

 

I looked at him a long time and he sorta started squirming a bit. “Back itching.” I asked him. He looked back at me with that killer grin and told me that “no, your staring is making me itch.” I felt the blood rise to my face and I know what I wanted to say it was just saying it. Finally he reached over and touched my arm and smiled again. He said “It’s okay, I feel the same way.” He knows me too well I think.


	13. Chapter 13

Jun 1, 2011

 

We made it to Arizona, a little place just outside of Phoenix. It was a kind of rural area. Sooo Day 1 of the hunt.

 

We asked around about the crazy lady that reported seeing the lion thing and two or three folk laughed and said she was harmless. Finally got one lady in an antique shop to open up and talk to me while I was buying some civil war memorabilia. We got a general direction to go in now. 

 

Later. Well, if anyone else went to see her they probably walked away with the notion that that is one crazy bitch. Instead she was a self-proclaimed witch who saw the creature. She was a fairly good sketch artist and showed us a drawing of the animal that she’d made. After some cajoling on our part and a fair trade of cash, we were able to leave with the print. We were about a mile up the road and Sam got that look. I hate THAT look, it always means trouble. 

 

Ok sorry for the interruption there had to pull off the road and kick kid brother’s ass. Evidently from what the woman drew and what Sam was able to pull up on his laptop we’re hunting a fucking manitcore! I didn’t realize that those things even existed before now, but somehow one got loose over here and now we get the enviable task of hunt the sucker down. Naturally the place that this woman saw this creature would be in the middle of high desert country. Not much as far as places for something like this to den, but a helluva lot of places for this thing to ambush us from. 

 

I checked our money reserves and we got enough for a 30.06 and a few boxes of ammo with some wiggle room left to spare. Which mean hustling some dumbasses at pool again. Think I’ll wait until we hit the next town though, just in case.

 

Okay, went for a drive a couple of towns over and found a likely enough bar with a pool table. Racked and played until closing. It’s amazing when so idgits as Bobby so fondly calls them will lose their brains over a few beers and play for real money. When I got through for the evening, I was sitting at the bar, it was last calls. The barkeep gave me a one on the house for my “expertise at hustling.” He said. I did pretty well cleared about $1500 all said and done. Like I said more money than brains in some areas. I’d hit a white collar bar but run the risk of having a contract put on me in a place like that. Besides most of the guys and gals that drink there don’t drink enough to get them loose with their wallets. And there they play “billiards” instead of pool. Fancy pants bastards. Oh well, cleared good, I’ll do some more fishing later, but right now got back to the room, Sam’s already curled up in bed. Gonna have to go do some research at that bar somebody slipped him a drink with Georgia Home Boy loaded up and he’s wasted. I know the signs and I’m pissed. This means he’s gonna be out of commission most of tomorrow. Which in turn means I get to do the major part of the footwork in the morning. Yay me.


	14. Chapter 14

June 2, 2011

 

I whacked, it’s 6:00 in the evening, just got in from a day walking the desert. I’m not going back out there without back up period end of statement. Too many places for things to hide in plain sight. Sam was up when I got in with that hang-dog look. We spent a while just getting him cleaned up and then I was starving and he wasn’t much better. Said he’d been up since around 11 am but was only able to make it to the john and back to bed. So fucker toasted him good and are going to get racked for that. This whole situation has me majorly pissed off, there was a killing this morning in one part of the canyon and that’s been cordoned off now. Which means a cut down on hunting area unless we sneak in under the radar. 

 

Ok two hours later, fed and watered, Sam is cranked and pissed off, of course that happened as soon as he could get the taste of the liquor out of his mouth. I told him what I thought happened and he was cranked. He wants to go back over to the bar and do for some redneck motherfuckers. I calmed him down and people we run into think I’m hot headed! Shit they don’t know nothing compared to Sam when he get’s pissed off. He’s suddenly soulless again. Scared the bejeezus out of me. 

 

Managed to get him talked into going over some tactical data with me and he’s going out with me in the morning to scavenge the areas we may have missed plus get set up for a bit of night hunting. This creature is like most cats and hunt nocturnally which is sort of a plus for us but a bitch as well considering the part of the country we’re dealing with.

 

One side effect of the GHB incident, made for some serious hot sex later on. He had to have some way to work off his stress. I didn’t realize he was into leather that big. He’s not going to be able to sit well for a few days. He kept begging me to hit harder. Man after 30 minutes of this my arm was beat. When he did finally come I was blowing him and I think he tapped my tonsils a few times. I love to deep throat him but when he’s like this he can be a tad on the rough side for that shit. I’m going to be hoarse in the morning.


	15. Chapter 15

June 6, 2011

 

We nailed it and got nailed in the process. It took thirty stitches to close a gash in my thigh. Used Everclear as an antiseptic considering how deep the wound was. We’re going to be holed up here for a few more days. As it was Sam went out last night and hustled them bastards over in New Jordan and come back $1000 up. So we’re up considerably and can afford the room for a few days. 

 

We were scouting an arroyo when the fucker jumped us. Tore into my thigh and about to gut me when Sam got off three shots, point blank to the head. Dead manticore weighs a fucking ton. It took him 10 minutes to get that thing from off of me. We did a field dressing then got me out of the canyon, Sam was wanting to get me to an emergency room, but I didn’t want to chance that so we made do. Pissed him off, frankly at this point I’m just glad this hunt is over with. I’m 32 and feel 60 on days like this. Makes me wish for a desk job. 

 

June 7, 2011

 

Writing this part much later from a hospital bed, seems that my leg got infected anyway, Sam had me brought in and checked in. They knocked by ass out had me in surgery for a few hours then moved me to a room something about reconnective work to some muscle tissue. All I know is that it hurts like a motherfucker. Or it would if I could feel it, they got me cranking on some good pain meds. I’m awake right now, but feeling drowsy.

 

Okay late evening, Sam’s asleep by the bed with me. Leg’s throbbing a little bit now. Time to press the magic button.

 

June 8, 2011

 

Don’t feel like writing but dumbshit is forcing me to says it’ll keep my mind off the pain. Bull shit, leg feels like a toothache right now. So I’ll try to write a bit, got a good looking nurse, she’s packing in all the right places but Sam threatens to poke my wound if I start undressing her with my eyes again. Can’t help it. It’s been a while, a long while. My dick still remembers how to plow pussy. 

 

Sam looked over my shoulder and saw that remark, getting the silent treatment now. Fuck it. I’m the one laid up I deserve a chance to survey the scenery when I get the chance. 

 

Okay just had dinner, Sam came in with a couple of whoppers and we sat and munched junk food and laughed. I asked him if I was his bitch. His reply, and he looked me straight in the eye when he said he. “You always have been and always will be.” Makes me feel kinda special y’know?

 

It was late and I was restless, slid over in bed giving Sam room to climb in and that was what I was missing. The minute we snuggled I was out.

 

June 9, 2011

 

Woke up feeling much better, leg still throbbing but that lets me know it’s alive. Heh. I guess the hardest part for me is the laying up, I hate being immobilized makes me feel like shit. Oh well, we’re on someone elses ticket for this ride. A recent credit card went through and we’re working on that for right now. Doc says it’s healing good and that in a couple of days I can go home to rest. I told him we were between jobs and staying in a motel, he was going to keep me over in the hospital for an extra stay. Not happening.

 

Oh shit, major blowup today with Sam. I got some serious fence mending to do. Had a male nurse come around to help me bathe. Sam insisted on helping. They got in an argument over how much to wash and I tactfully, I thought, suggested to Sam that this guy was a nurse and he oughta know what he was doing. Sam blew a gasket and left the room. Nurse finished in pretty much silence, very embarrassed silence. I tried to blow it off but it wasn’t gonna happen. Come on back Sammy, I love YOU. I hate to admit but I miss him when he’s not here and him blowing off like that today isn’t like him at all.

 

Okay much later scribbling this while Sasquatch is tucked up beside me in bed asleep or at least pretending real good. He got back to the room and I told him to shut the door and make sure it was shut. He did, then we had it out about this sudden possessiveness and jealousy. Seems that he was feeling responsible for me being in here in the first damn place. That he should’a done a better job taking care of me. The doc finally came around when we were in the middle of the fight and Sam was ready to tell him to get out when I waved him over. I told him to explain to my boyfriend just what exactly he had to do in surgery. He kept saying stuff like rejoining tissue and muscles, repairing some nerve damage and excising (cutting out) certain amounts of tissue that was dying. He checked the dressing was very happy and looked at Sammy and told him to get me the fuck out of there in a day. I get to go home sweet motel room tomorrow. What a fucking relief.

 

I’m proud hospitals are around here to take care of us but damn if I’m not more glad to not be stuck in one. Sammy crawled up in bed again with me after the doctor left and we cut out the light and just snuggled. He feels so good sometimes when he just cuddles, and he always smells so fucking sexy. IF you’re reading this Sasquatch, yes, I do have a sniffing fetish with you. I love the natural smell of you. Clean and woodsy. And I love it when you snuggle me. I don’t mind doing the snuggling thought I’d never admit it out loud, but I love it when he wraps me up in those long arms and legs of his. I love the feel of him against me. Smooth and hard at the same time. So many ways to tease me.

 

I am so incredibly fucking lucky to have a brother who is also my lover who is like more than I can handle sometimes. Okay enough of that shit for a while, Time for some sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

June 10, 2011

 

Well I’m back in the motel room, it is infinitely more comfortable, we changed motels just to be safe. And we registered using cash. Did a count this morning we’re still about $1800 ahead, if we’re real careful shouldn’t have trouble maintaining a room for a few days. The hospital sent me out with extra dressings and ointment, tape and shit. So I’m prepared. But I’ve talked it over with Sam, we’re leaving in a couple of days and heading back to Bobby’s that way we’re totally off the radar again. I don’t like the possibility of being caught out.

 

Leaving sooner than we thought, there was a series of cruisers passing the motel on regular basis. So we did the paranoid thing and packed up. Packed me into the back seat and we booked. I been sleeping off and on a bit. One thing is for definite sure, the DOT for the state could come through and repave and not get any gripes from me. Damn potholes. I know Sam is trying to miss as many as possible but some of them are just shits. It’s like the form out of thin air to fuck with us.

 

We’ve cleared out and are in North Dakota now, coming around the long way just in case. My leg’s been throbbing like a toothache today but I’ll live no doubt. Not feeling girly parts tonight, just glad to get to a hotel and hit the sack. Just not feeling very sexy at all, feel like he’s got the heat on, hope this ain’t a bad sign.


	17. Chapter 17

June 16, 2011

 

Yeah Diary I know it’s been nearly a fucking week since I wrote. So sue me. Infection set in, same went to the local Veterinary Supply and picked up some penicillin. Thank God I’m not allergic. Massive doses so we cut them down but hurts like a motherfucker going in. Well you do what you gotta. According to Sam I was delirious for a while and making no sense. We had to shack near Minot. 

 

I felt kinda sorry for him. Here he is freezing his butt off while I’m sweating like I’m in church. I had to get a grip then I went from fever to chills, and he snuggled me up tight to fight off that. We spent three days in Minot then he loaded my ass up in the car and drove for Sioux Falls. It took him and Bobby to get me into the house where they bundled my ass onto the couch downstairs and I was subjected to the ministrations of a hunter doctor. The infection was kicked back but not out, so he gave me some hellaciously stronger antibiotics. Only side effect there is that they opened my gut up. I couldn’t keep nothing down. 

 

Felt like as soon as I would eat it would run right through me. Poor pitiful me. I would do the puppy dog act with Sam but I don’t do it as well as him. So I suffer through the pokes and prods and go on with it. The upside is that I’m not hallucinating any more, not seeing giant spiders crawling across the ceiling after my ass. That’s my one fear I’ve never told anyone, I’m really not to cool admitting it here, but if there’s one thing that scares the bejeezus out of me it’s spiders. And Sasquatch thinks they’re cool. I swear if he ever gets one for a pet it and Raid are going to have a ‘go to Jesus meeting.’ 

 

Sam’s been real cool with staying with me and after today maybe I can move upstairs to our bedroom. That would be cool, I have to do multiplication tables in my head when he’s near me cause I’m so horny I’m throwing wood with the change of the wind. Bobby kidded me about it at first now he’s telling me that if I need some private time with my hand to let him know, he can find things to do in the yard. Let’s spell this out shall we, MEGA EMBARASSING! 

 

Okay later in the day and we’re in our bedroom. Bobby took off to town for some parts and Sam settled in for some hot action. It’s amazing the positions you can get into even with a bum leg. We haven’t heard the truck or anything else pull up so we went for doubles. We even managed a position where I could get my ass loaded with Sam without too much pain. To tell the truth, and Sam would keel over if he heard me say it, but the pain actually was a turn on. And Oh My Fucking God (Sorry God), but it felt so good having him tucked up in me today. 

 

Nighttime, got a real shower for a change which felt wonderful . I insisted on trying to come down for supper, I’m able to simple foods down which is a good start. By the time I got back to bed was bushed, fell asleep again and slept through the night evidently considering that Sasquatch brought me breakfast in bed. I’m so special.


	18. Chapter 18

June 25, 2011

 

I’m beat, bloody, and sore and this whole idea of a journal sucks right now. We just come back from a vamp hunt, only to find out too late that the mofo’s knew we were coming and set up an fucking ambush.

 

We got the site straight on enough. It actually looked deserted, but we went in packing so not surprises. Trying out a new surprise on them tonight though, gonna try some bullets made from one of those angel stakes. It took a while to get the crucible hot enough to melt the stuff but we finally did and then cast the bullets, we filled the cartridges with a about a medium powered load. 

 

We got there and like I said the place looked deserted so we did a recon of the area and the house, nothing out of the ordinary, in fact the place look unoccupied. That’s when all hell broke loose. We had em coming up through the floorboards at us, literally. They were launching themselves from the base through certain spots in the floor they’d weakened. It was enough that it caught us off guard and we were toast. 

 

We pulled back to the perimeter of the room and opened fire. The bullets struck then the bastards started to vibrate. Then they started to bleed out of every orifice including their eyes. That was kinda gross. When the others saw what was going on their started to run we capped them all. They all did the vibrator number for a minute then exploded in a shower of blood and guts. But we didn’t get away clean. They had six normal lackeys waiting on us and we had a regular throw down. 

 

I’m whupped, pissed off, but at the same time excited I can’t wait to tell Cas about this new development. We have definitely gotta get some more of those angel stakes. Oh and for the record, two of the thugs were packing they are now handless thugs thanks to some swift machete action from yours truly. They bled out, needless to say we went to the motel and changed clothes then drove 40 miles over to Scranton and dumped our funked up clothes in a dumpster behind some swanky restaurant. The smells in the dumpster alone will mask the blood smell.

 

We did a salt and burn back at the house and boogied. Oh and the house was way out in the country. Which I find kind of a letdown, I would once like to do a vamp hunt on a house in the city. That would be interesting. Ok so I’m a sick puppy, fuck you diary. I’m wasted and there’s a bottle of Wild Turkey with my name on it then some wild funky sex with Sam. By the way, said Sammy boy is in the shower now, think I’ll hang this up for now and go jump in with him. Journal or sexy shower, shower wins. :P


	19. Chapter 19

June 28, 2011

 

Had to write this one on Sammy’s laptop. You can’t tell it in here, but there’s some pauses between some stuff. I broke my ankle on a fucked up hunt. Din’t really get a goooood start outon it. Vicodin’s kickin in be righ back.

 

Four hours later and I’m feeling more human and less a zombie, and I read my opening and about fell over laughing so I’m going to leave it in. I’ll write as long as the painkiller keeps working. Fucking ankle. Fucking me. We’re on a plain vanilla run, a salt and burn, no problem. I found the hole where they buried the body and was digging it out, climbed out of the hole, and tripped on a rock. Thought at first just a sprain. OH HELL FUCKING NO! I broke the fucker! Did the S&B then had to have Sam fill it back in and get me to a fucker ER. Where $650 later, I’m sitting here in a lucid moment, with my ass in bed, my ankle in a pressure cast. And a pair of crutches to get to the bathroom and back. Which means we’re going to be stuck out here in the sticks for about a week for this to heal up enough to travel with it. 

 

Then Sam comes in out of his shower and decides he wants to snuggle. How romantic can a guy feel with their fucking foot in a cast. Maybe next time I’ll try for the leg. Uh oh, here comes Sammy again, naked, and with THAT look. Oh well maybe being stuck like this isn’t a totally bad thing.

 

Ok it’s 11:00 I’m sitting here about an hour out from my next dose of Vicodin and my foot is throbbing like a sore tooth, sorry to have my bitchfest going right now, but damn, I hate being stuck up like this. Sasquatch is sitting watching me with baited breath, probably wanting to pounce me again. I love his blow jobs.


	20. Chapter 20

June 30, 2011

 

Pressure cast still on, Sam’s threatened to take it off my foot and put it around my neck. I guess I have been a bit bitchy lately. Sorry Sam Vicodin cuts a lot of things but it doesn’t cut my bitchiness. Pardon me a minute I gotta find something to chunk at him. 

 

Well just damn, sorry about that diary, uh Sam came over and whipped you out of my hands and threw you on the floor while he pinned me back against the bed and fucked the dogsqueeze out of me! It’s amazing how adventurous you can get with one of these damn things on. Let’s just say I propped the ankle over his shoulder and leave it that shall we. Oh you want details. Well a few. He started at my neck and worked down not letting me touch him. Then he straddled me, of course he was nekkid, get your mind back in the gutter. I don’t know what was the more fun him straddling and riding me reverse cowboy or cowgirl style or when he did have my leg cocked up and he was bottoming out in me. Okay dirt and smut time, sounds like a good thing, God knows he deserves it, hung like a fricking horse. Oh yeah he’s in proportion. 6’5”, hang 5” just there ya know. But when he gets worked up he’s a solid 9 ½ “ no shit we measured, oh you want more detail, he’s 2 ¼ around the base and nearly 3 around the crown when hard and he had the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen. And NO I’m not going to erase this, Sammy looking over my shoulder just trying to piss me off. Okay, Okay, just cause ain’t nobody else gonna see this. I’m hang 3 ½ when I’m just there and 7 ½ fully torqued. I’m proud to say that I’m a solid 2 ¾ from base to crown.

 

There, there are all the anatomical details I’m putting in for now. May try to sneak a picture of his crotch later just to upload for his desktop wallpaper to surprise him with. Heh, that’s serve him. Still floating on what is the start of a Vicodin high, I held off as long as I could but ankle hurting too much. So, I’m gonna take a nap for a bit. Be back later.

 

Ok it’s later, jeez it was 6:00 when I finally tanked with the drugs, now it’s fucking 10:00 and I’M STARVING College boy! Yeah that’s a hint! He actually bowed to me before leaving the room, smartass. 

 

Ok took another catnap stomach woke me up, my knight in shining armor has returned with a whopper, fries, and a coke. I knew there was a reason I loved him. Give me five while I get some chow down me.

 

Damn that was good, I needed that, we even had a bit of make-up sex to fix the situation if you can call me giving him a blowjob sex. But I just love that dick, man what can I say. 

 

 

He’s on about a salt and burn in the area and I warned him what the last one set us back and for him to be careful. He gave me the basic layout of the situation. Since it body is buried on private property he’s going to go finesse his way into the area. Finesse my ass, he couldn’t lie worth shit.

 

Damn, sleepy again, gonna call it a night, can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.


	21. Chapter 21

July 1, 2011

 

I fucked up big time. And I don’t know what to do to fix it right now. Sasquatch found us a job in Trenton, New Jersey, so I’m piled into the backseat with my foot on two hotel room pillows we snatched and taking ibuprofen for the pain. 

 

I don’t like taking something I can get hooked on and Vicodin is one of them things. Anyway, Sam comes to me and mentioned that New Jersey is an incest law free state. Okay that’s cool, and they’re considering legalizing gay marriage. I went into brain freeze cause I knew immediately what he was suggesting. I looked at him and asked him what he was considering.

 

He was all, “Come on Dean, we need to make this official.” I just looked at him square on and told him that he had to be fucking joking. The top blew lip a cork out of a champagne bottle including the fizz. He gave me an eat shit and die look and just drew in on himself. I tried to find out what all the fuss was about and he was just of the mind that we should make our couple status a permanent thing in the eyes of the registrars or whoever. I just didn’t get it I guess, then it hit me way after the fact of how much this means to him. I remember joking all the time about him being the girl in our relationship because he’s so into his emotional side. Now I’ve just taken and tramped hard on something that was brewing in that emotional side.

 

He’s driving since we do have a legitimate hunt there. And I’m laid up listening to Lady Gaga and Elton and God knows what else. I swear the next town we come to I’m getting an iPod and loading it up with Metal music so I can dig it. I mentioned this to Sam and he was like. “Yeah, okay. Sure whatever YOU want.” He said pointedly. I came back with telling him didn’t have to be such a bitch about the whole thing. I slid in the seat as he jerked the car onto the shoulder. 

 

Then he half turned in the seat, “I guess I have the right to be a bitch about the whole thing. I mean we do EVERYTHING you want to do, all I asked was that and you just tossed it off like a rag.” I told him that that wasn’t what I meant I just never considered us as a married couple. We’re brothers, in love with each other which we have to keep under wraps in states with Incest laws. We talked about it for a while then he eased back on the highway noting that we were coming upon on a town and that there was a strip mall next to the interstate with a WalMart as the anchor store. He whipped in.

 

I hobbled in and snagged one of the go carts and got back to Electronics where I got my iPod, then I was headed to the front and I snagged a box of candy, and a thing of flowers. Asking the clerk to put the lot into a bag. And yes, I did grab a vase and a large bottle of water. Trying to salvage the moment . 

 

Dickhead was off in menswear and he came up with 3 shirts and two pairs of khakis. He was muttering how his other stuff’s getting threadbare. I knew what it was though. When he gets upset he buys clothes, the more upset he is can be judged by what he buys. So here he lays out for the lot and we’re on our way. He wants to know what’s in the big bag and I have to put him off for the moment. Then we’re in the parking lot. He threw his stuff in the front seat and I told him he might want to save room for this. I gave him the bag apologizing in advance for not being more the romantic, but when you’re on crutches it’s hard to feel real romantic. He looked in the bag and damn if he didn’t start tearing up. I’m thinking, “Oh shit, either I’ve pissed him off to the max or made him happy.” He started smiling so I took a breath. Then he grabbed me by the back of the neck and pulled me into a long kiss right there in the middle of the parking lot. I heard someone walking by give a huff with a guy saying “Get a room.” I merely flipped them off. So did Sam. He helped load me in the car and then got in apologizing for getting his bitch-mode going. 

 

I told him he had every right I was being unfeeling about the issue, but I just needed time to think it over that was all. I was content with the way things were going and well…I didn’t want to rock the boat. We went ahead since we’d been on the road three hours and got some take out and enjoyed that while he downloaded some metal to my iPod using the free Wifi link that was in the area. Then we got back on the interstate and started again towards the northeast.

 

Much later, we’re finally getting a motel room for the night, he promises to download some more Metallica and Zeppelin for me. Then we settled in. He was wanting to snuggle, hey it may be July, but people still snuggle. And I told him that he just surprised me with his proposal. That I thought we already had the best of worlds going, I just wasn’t thinking of anything like that. And I told him that I would think it over and if we came to a gay marriage state to at least get me some information so I can be better informed as to what we get out of other than being husband and husband. This is a major step and I’m really tossing it around. Part of me wants to jump straight into it and become his legal husband, part of me is going, You still like the single lifestyle. Damn but I need a drink.


	22. Chapter 22

July 15, 2011

 

Well it’s official, at least for Sam Winchester and Dean Colt. We tied the knot in New York state. Picked one of them little out of the way towns and got married by a Judge. We even exchanged rings, I took dad’s wedding ring back and gave him a platinum one made just like it. I had asked him whether it mattered about who he married, even if I didn’t give the right name. He told me he knew it was me, and only me.

 

God save me from chick-flick moments, but the wedding wasn’t too bad, the Judge’s wife was the clerk and stood witness, they were pleased as punch for us to be the official first gay couple to be married in their town. If it got any sappier I would be in the hospital with sugar diabetes. 

 

We got married on July 4th, we sort of cornered the judge when the waitress at a café pointed him out in the corner. We went over and talked with him. He was excited, he was anxious for their town to be the first on the map with something so he called his wife and they met us at the courthouse. She filled out the marriage certificate, got us all lined up then the judge gave me a heart stopping moment.

 

“You boys haven’t been in mischief have you?” The judge asked.

 

I froze, Sam popped out, “Not unless you count what we did in that motel in New Jersey.” 

 

“SAM!” I yelped shocked at the bluntness in a way, especially a lie, well not exactly a lie, I took his proposal that night and we had some serious make up sex that night. Still.

 

The judges wife coloured prettily and even the judge turned a bit pink in the cheeks. “Well enough of that let’s get on with this.” He said and started the ceremony. 

 

We got through the whole thing and he even gave us the customary “You may kiss…” the he stumbled. 

 

“We’re husbands.” I supplied. 

 

After the kiss we hauled hell for leather to get out of the north and head to Sioux Falls for some down time. Bobby was a sight to behold. In more ways than one, he’d just finished pulling the top end from a Malibu and was greased from finger to armpit. He looked up when he saw us pull into the yard and grabbed a glob of GoJo and went to work on his arms and hands. Then wiping down was more like himself. 

 

Bobby came up and grabbed me in a bear hug. Then went around and did the same to Sam. “Good to see you boys.”

 

“Bobby that’s a little more enthusiastic than we usually get, what’s up?” I asked.

 

“Seems that there’s something hunting hunters.” He told me. He watched as Sam unloaded the car. So he spoke up “It’s looking mainly for singles, doubles like you it’ll probably leave alone.”

 

That still didn’t make me very happy. I looked at him a moment then he caught a flash of silver glinting on Sam’s hand and walked over. 

 

“Didn’t know you got into jewelry?” He started and I cringed. Then Sam made an attempted at hiding it but it was too late. “And jewelry that seems to be a copy of your dad’s ring…you boys want to tell me something?” He asked evenly.

 

“I guess you already figured it out by now.” I said.

“You boys planned this?” Bobby asked.

“It was his idea.” I said pointing to Sam who blushed.

 

“Yeah, Dean it was all my fault.” He said angrily. Then he slammed the trunk lid grabbing his duffel bag but leaving mine sitting there. 

 

“You just fucked up boy.” Bobby told me quietly. “Look I figured something like this would happen sooner or later, I hear the news on the TV. I see all the states fighting for same-sex rights. It’s a little over my head, but I figure they deserve same as the rest of us.” Then he looked at me cross ways, “You boys didn’t run afoul of a witch and he’s turned up pregnant did you?” 

 

“No, he’s just in a bad mood I guess I’ve been tinkering with. Damn it Bobby,” I can remember saying, “I’m no good with this mushy stuff, you know that.”

 

“You better learn, he takes this seriously and I’m a little pissed off you didn’t invite me!” Bobby huffed.

 

I actually blushed, I could feel my face turning red, then Bobby slapped my back and laughed. I grabbed up my bag and headed inside to find Sam angrily sorting his clothes to wash. I walked over kinda quietly like and cleared my throat.

 

“I know you there. What?” Sam said bluntly.

“Look I’m sorry, I made a bad joke.”

“You seem to think this whole things a joke.” Sam declared.

I grabbed him by the shoulders hard and turned him to face me. I shook him like a mama dog would a pup. “Listen to me, I love you, you big oaf, if I didn’t I wouldn’t have gone through that ceremony. I sure wouldn’t have proposed like I did. But goddamn it,” I can remember my temper was getting hot now. “I’m tired of dancing sensitive around this issue. We’re married now, we’re also a team, we’ve always been married I guess. I would’ve like to have done this right and proper with all the trimmings, but we were in a hurry. I get you a proper wedding one day, but you gotta stop this shit. You’ve treated me like some kind of shit since the night after we married and frankly Sasquatch, I fucking sick and tired of it.” 

 

It’s amazing I can remember that much of the tirade I went on but I was wound up. He’d punched my last button. Things got better after that, I guess he realized I was serious. Bobby gave us some private time to get things sorted out before coming in and soon we were getting the laundry going together. In fact we were in a clinch when the back door opened and Bobby came in. 

 

“Get a room.” He growled good naturedly. Then he walked over to the refrigerator and passed beers around. “To the new couple, God help you, you’re gonna need it.” He joked with us.

 

So we settled in and soon I found that Sam was contributing more that he had before, he was actually giving some good direction and always good data for this next hunt. I never wanted to hurt him. I guess I can write it here, but I love him like the ocean. At least here in my privacy I’m allowed to go a little chick flicky and not catch hell for it. That night we went into town for a room, telling Bobby we needed a little privacy to get some things worked out. He grinned and saw us out the door, that’s when I saw that he’d soaped, JUST MARRIED on the back window. Sam looked at me in shock expecting an explosion, I kinda felt like it but all I did was grab Sam in a tight clinch and give him one of my special kisses. 

 

So ladies and whores it’s official, I am off the market. I belong to Sam and he belongs to me, and nobody poaches my boy. And I’ll play nice and not let myself get poached. This still feel so fucking strange. I’ve never been married before, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to do. 

 

Bobby put in a nutshell, “Just care about each other, the rest will come along. You’re overthinking the plumbing again so it’ll be easier to stop up the drain.” We shared some whiskey shots, then Sam finally came down after a shower and smelling all clean and good and sexy. Bobby gave us the LOOK and we minded our manners. 

 

This is all really weird shit for me to get wrapped up in. Head get on straight!


	23. Chapter 23

September 14, 2011

It's been nearly two months and the sky hasn't fallen, there's been no apocalyptic backlash or tremendous hoo-hah. We've managed to survive as a team just cemented a bit tighter I guess. As it stands though I'm more cautious on hunts. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But being more careful never sucked. 

 

Sam seems to be slotting into this situation a hell of a lot easier. I guess it's true that some people are made to be married. Like I said in my last entry, I'm still wrapping my head around it. But it's not without some perks. It makes working the field easier because we are looking out for each other more. We are more cautious and we also don't let the other catch any bullshit. Of course, we did that before it's just more solid now. 

 

We're not planning on settling down yet to a quiet home in the country or a condo in the city. Our home will be the Impala and wherever our head lays down for the night. I'm just not ready to quit and thankfully Sam understands that and is walking with me on that decision. We dealt with the hunter that was hunting hunters. 

 

It seemed that a near clone of Gordon Walker turned up, at least someone with the same fucked up mental state. He was a feral, rabid hunter and was pretty much making it a holy mission to seek out hunters that were NOT hunting in accordance with his guidelines and neutralizing them. Sam and I caught up with him in Baton Rouge last month. We lulled him into our confidence then exposed him to Castiel. 

 

I love that angel, he's like another brother, but he don't take no shit like what Milton (yeah Milton) Graves was dishing out. Cas was first curious as to why we would want to take up with someone like that to start with then we explained the situation. Cas set him up on a hunt against a changeling. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. He walked into the trap with his eyes wide open and didn't flinch when the trap was sprung. He just kept going on about how we were his new blood and we would carry his mission out.

 

The only thing I gotta say about his mission is that he was fucked up in the head, BIG TIME! Hunters are unique creatures and we all have our quirks. The first thing we did was call three hunters to let them know Milton was out of business then we tasked those three to call three and so on. It's weird but as solitary as we are we are unified when it comes to putting down rabid dogs like Graves. 

 

It also gave Sam and I a change to vacation for a bit in the Rockies. We holed up in a cabin for about a week and spent most of the time in the sack. It was fantastic not to have to answer to calls or hunts for a week. Now we're back in the game. Looks like for the long haul. Like I said, we don't have plans to retire, we don't have a cottage picked out with a white pickett fence around it, neither one of us is the sub in this relationship, we are equals and you know, that works out just fucking fine with me.

 

I'm not closing this journal out because I kinda got used to writing in it for a while and I may come back later and add to it. But for now, I'll let it rest...the hunt calls.


	24. Chapter 24

November 12, 2012

 

A LOT has happened since my last entry, a whole lot. Bobby’s dead, that first and foremost. He got killed helping us out on a hunt. MAJOR bummer, but we ganked the asshole that shot Bobby. It took a while because this thing was a human possessed by something from purgatory. We’ve got a new creature on the loose and it’s a whopper of a problem. Cas called it the Leviathan, I call it a Major Pain in the Ass. They’re really more like those aliens I remember seeing in X-Files, the black oil aliens, that was it. Exception on these is that they will devour their victims. Not a pretty sight to come upon the remains of one of their attacks. Their head honcho, an asshole by the name of Roman, was the linchpin to the whole she-bang. We broke into their main complex where there was some experimentation going on and managed to do for a lot of them in that while Bobby scoped our Roman’s office and found the information we needed. We were hauling ass back to the van after ditching a bucket of watered down borax on Roman when the bastard got off a lucky shot. It drilled Bobby in the skull. We hauled ass to the closest ER and got him checked in. They were busting caps trying to get him took care of. We were waiting for an OR doc to show when Bobby woke up for a moment and wrote a series of numbers down then looked at us. Mumbled a bit then called us “Idjits.” Then he died.

We had to do a bit of fancy footwork but we managed to get Bobby’s body from the ER. Went to a good secluded spot and did a salt and burn. Probably the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. All this because Cas opened the gateway to purgatory and absorbed the beings there instead of the bastardized crew that wanted it.

Cas went on an extreme power trip for a while then his body started showing signs of being unable to hold the power and he had to reopen the gate to release them back to purgatory. There was only one problem. One of the beings that possessed him was the Leviathan. He ended up maxing out and following the Leviathan’s plan walked into the main aquifer for the city and drown himself as well as release the creatures into the city’s water supply. 

Things went to hell fast and we’re dealing with it, up to the most recent moment when we managed to gank Roman. The psychic explosion was massive and the shockwave did a lot of damage. Especially to me as I was the one who stabbed and killed Roman. I’m going to sign out for now cause I gotta be back on the trail. You see I’m in purgatory and currently being hunted. If this makes it way out and to someone, please, man I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please pray for me.


	25. Chapter 25

15 November 2012

 

Still in this living hell. Trying to hook up with Cas, thought I saw him the other day. Shit who am I kidding, there are no nights, no days in this place, it just is. Dodging the Leviathans has been my biggest issue. Managed to gank one that had a real cool knife, sword, hatchet, hell I don’t know. It’s a chunk of very sharp obsidian mounted in what looks like a leg bone. But it works. I just miss my Sammy…I don’t know if I’ll get out of this, but I’m going to give it my best shot and try. I’ve got to.

 

It’s later in the day, I haven’t slept in three days, haven’t felt the need. Ran into a guy who helped me out in a fight, he seems cool enough even if he is a vampire. Yeah found that little tidbit out the first day. Funny thing is that he like me don’t need to well…feed. It’s strange but I haven’t felt the need for food since I’ve been here either. As to the other body functions, they go on as normal, but I’m not intaking anything to make up for what my bodies getting rid of. 

 

The vampire’s name is Benny, he’s cool, landed in purgatory because he wouldn’t feed on humans, he would rob blood banks and hit on wildlife for blood but he wouldn’t kill. Vampire with a conscience, who’d a thunk it. He’s not Sam but he’s a friend and a fighter. 

 

It’s what passes for night here now. We’ve managed to find a spot that is relatively quiet so we can catch a few minutes of rest. I was down at the edge of a creek getting a drink and getting a quick face washing. When I looked up there was Cas looking at me with a stunned expression. I did the first thing I could think of and ran grabbing him up in a hug. I was just that glad to see a familiar face. 

 

He told me that we needed to stay parted because he was drawing the Leviathan off my scent. I could only imagine what it was doing to him. He’s still a bit mentally fragile from that bullshit he went through in the psych hospital for Sam. I don’t want to be apart, I want us as a team. There is a truce of sorts between Cas and Benny, a fragile truce. Don’t want to fuck that up. Right now we’re living on the ragged edge. Benny’s come up with a plan on how to get out of purgatory the only thing is that I have to carry him with me. When I asked him what he meant by that he suddenly went mum on me. So that’s another mystery to figure out.

 

Another break and rest. We just did for a team of the Leviathans. It was Cas, Benny and me against six of them. It was tough but we ganked them all and are back on the pad again. It’s rough writing like this, but in this place. It’s all I have. I daydream sometimes during periods of peace and rest. I’m kind of embarrassed to write this down. Well, me and Sam are living a normal life together, I’m on a construction crew working while he is a college brat finishing up his law degree and doing a LOT of paranormal research. It’s just a dream but it keeps me going. So I’m gonna sign off for right now. I’ll be back in a couple of days when I know more about what’s going on and I have the chance to write. For now, I hope there are a few good Catholics that are praying for us lost souls in purgatory cause for me it’s a bitch of a place to be caught up in. Sam, if this ever gets to you, I want you to know one thing. I love you so damn much it hurts, and you are what’s keeping me going here. Just the thought of you….


	26. Chapter 26

November 19,2012

 

It’s killing me the not knowing what’s going on with Sam right now. I have to just keep in mind that he wouldn’t give up on me. He’d try to save my skinny ass if it were possible. It’s so hard to keep positive sometimes, especially when you’re not knowing when the next attack is coming in. I’ve slagged so many leviathan and other critters that it’s not funny. Benny’s been right there with me, thank God for that. Hey God if you’re listening how about opening a door for me to walk out of…please. Just keep pumping them positive thoughts because right now I’m feeling like I’m two bricks shy the load. Every day eats at me, every moment is living with tension ramped up on high. I’m not pussy, I’ve been to Hell for crying out loud. But I’m getting mighty tired of the same shit getting slung at me from day to day, moment to moment. Diary I know you’re tired of hearing about this, so I’ll shut up for a bit.


	27. Chapter 27

Authors Note: Jumping into the future, may have him cover some missing time in flashbacks but need to get on with the grind, I’m going to stay as close to canon as I feel comfortable, but I’m not going to muck up the story line.

 

November 29, 2013

Yeah kiddies you read that right, God, I am so mind-fucked it’s not funny. I managed to work some hoodoo, more on that later, and managed to get both me and Benny out of purgatory. It was pretty awesome popping out like that in the middle of some Maine state forest. My first act was to scare the shit out of a couple of campers and rip off his backpack. Good thing I did, because now that I’m back in the real world I gotta deal with real things like hunger and finding food and water. Not to mention a shower. God a nice hot shower would be so wonderful right now. 

 

November 31, 2013

I’m back at the cabin where we scoped out this shit to start with. Turned lucky for a change, found some more credit cards to go with the mix I already got. Now to jack somebodies ride, that could prove a little more challenging. One thing I did do was on my walk out from the campground I found a truckstop that had showers. I think I spent an hour in there just feeling the water hit me. Hey since it’s only you that’s probably gonna see this, I cried…I leaned against the shower wall and cried for several minutes. I felt so wiped out, my cell phone was dead so I grabbed a burner and got a good load of minutes on it. First thing I did was try to call Sammy. No luck. So my first hunt will be to resurrect Benny like I promised then find Sam. 

 

December 1, 2013 

 

I lucked out again and got a ride with a pretty good trucker. He was from South Georgia and on his way home with a load. We bunked together until Baton Rouge, Louisiana where I got a ride with a nice farmer out to the near drop off point I was looking for. I did some serious walking til I got to the farm that Benny told me about. Finding the grave wasn’t too hard, and I was only too glad to off-load Benny’s spirit from me. That was part of the deal about getting out. Benny knew how, but he couldn’t do it being a vampire, it took a mortal to do it. It wasn’t hard resurrecting once I got him dug out, damn but I hated to say goodbye to him. He’d been as much to me a near brother as Sam was my real one. We were brothers, blood brothers. 

 

December 3, 2013

 

I’m writing this from inside the old cabin in Montana up near Whitefish. It’s been quiet; I tried several more times to get in touch with Sam always to get shunted over to voice mail. It took some time but I finally worked up the balls to record a message. “Old cabin” was all I could say, I was so afraid of giving too much of myself away just yet. I settled in and patiently waited. Yeah I know, that was a first for me, to do anything patiently. But I knew he would come, hell, I prayed for him to come and find me before I went more crackers than what I was already. I figured I’d give him a good week to come back to the place then I’d start hunting him. It wasn’t like I was lacking my skills. If anything a year in purgatory honed them.

 

December 12, 2013

So here I am camping out in this cabin, thank God there is a bar in stomping distance and a pool table. That’s what’s kept me in my bread and butter so to speak. It was this morning that I heard a car in the distance. I had to shake my head getting the fuzz out, it sounded like the glass packs on the Impala. I couldn’t be too careful though. I waited until I heard the car getting closer and risked a peek out through the shitty curtains that the place had. It was Sam! Or at least it was my baby, if that was Sam driving, well we’d just have to check that out wouldn’t we?

The reunion was everything and some that I was suspecting. Except for one fucking thing. I’d been gone a year, a whole FUCKING year, busting my nuts to stay alive and he goes on with life like it was a play, and a bad act 1 to boot. I know I gotta keep my head about me right now but I’m really fucking close to losing it and losing it on him. Wonder how Benny’s doing. At least I could depend on him.


End file.
